Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they messed up and got it CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.

   thinks the “8″ in “Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   Here's a helpful hint: the fastest way to get a hold of a live person is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   Hint: if someone asks you if you "have a sec", answer "I have lots of secs", and they will forget their original question.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA speak for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   literally there are some of you I want to hit in the face with a book, oh my god.

   Guess Lesnar should have feared more then just the Diarrhea from Mexico

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.

   used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I probably should have chosen my words better.