Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Strangers have the best candy.

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho! Hi ho!

   Normal people are weird.

   I've never seen a shark throw up. That might be something.

   The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.

   Comparing Journey to Justin Beiber is like comparing the finest wine to pee.

   Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute

   Sometimes it seems I spend half my life just breathing in.

   Last night went to a corn maze for the first time ever! It was aMAZEing. I thought it would be CORNy, but we had so much fun. They did have a few STALKers, don't worry, I was all EARS. Had a blast!

   doesn't care that they're bad at parking. The other cars are bad at swerving!

   Its 1:40 am....do you know where your girlfriend is? Um......neither do I. But I'm sure she is in good hands.

   whats the difference between a chile mine manager and a priest? one gets his mines stuck in a shaft the other gets his shaft stuck in a miner

   Everyone has three lives: their public life, private life, and secret life.

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   You know you're awesome when you know you're awesome.

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.