Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.

   There is nothing worse than the feeling of a cushioned toilet seat!

   In a world without walls and fences - who needs Windows and Gates?

   maybe we can chug on over to mamby pamby land, where Maybe we can find some self-confidence for you, ya Jackwagon!! ...... tissue? ...... crybaby

   I need a conclusion that excludes you.

   BRB, I gotta go "rescue some miners", if ya know what I mean. hope they can swim...

   If anyone from Chile ever asks me to play hide-n-seek, I am going to hide first cause those guys are good!

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce him

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce her!

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   This Country Is That Bad Even The Monopoly Board Is In Resession

   Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....

   A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. On a side note, my resumé just got a lot more interesting......

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   Never think of the past it brings tears, If you think of the future it brings fears, so live life in the present & drink chilled BEERS Bon Okterber Fest

   The world would be a quiet place if we did that whole "think before you speak" thing.

   I would never tell someone how to do their job but I don't think each of the 78 items I purchased at the grocery store needed their own bag.

   Good Effort! A Polite way to say "YOU SUCK!"

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.