Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

   I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

   No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

   Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ;)

   You b*tch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

   If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

   The pe*is has it rough! his hair is always a mess. His family is nuts. And his neighbor is a a$$hole.

   Stop telling me where you like to put your handbag!!! (although I am not sure what your handbag has to do with your breasts unless you say you rest it on your chest ...).

   I can't stand complainers and I'm not good at keeping secrets. I should probably rethink my career choice as a therapist.

   Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

   I don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.

   Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

   They say Taco Bell tacos aren't really Mexican. Well if it does the job at half the price... then it can't be any more Mexican that that!!!

   NOTHING is more awkward then walking down an empty hallway and passing someone who you use to talk to but don't anymore.

   Likes it in the kitchen... where it belongs

   has no one to play with, all of her imaginary friends are on timeout or grounded

   duck....duck...duck...grey goose!

   BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision. Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

   I always have the urge to ride one of those little electronic cars at the front of the store.