Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No! You cant have my Heart,the Doctor said i'll be dead without it.

   How does that old saying go.. Nice guys finish, In their hand?

   Just treated myself to a couple of chocolate fingers ..... That's the LAST time I buy cheap toilet paper.

   I like it when my girl plays the hard to get game with me, and ends up letting me have my way

   wishes Beiber's job would be exported to India.

   ..Liverpool f.c. built by Shanks, played by planks, watched by cranks, and ruined by Yanks....... thanks..

   Boys have to put forth real effort to get laid, while all girls have to do is stand bra-less in the wind."

   Computer Geek's Pickup Line: Is your name Google? No. Why? Because you have everything I've been searching for!

   George Washington is the only president who didn't blame the previous administration for his troubles

   I Think Someone From Eastenders Should Go And Kill Someone From Coronation Street.....What A Plot

   I realllllly want to pet a whale right now

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy? Or is it just her?

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   Rule #1 of the Internet: Nothing you put online, even for a second, can ever be taken down.

   If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   The lady's on FB are up to something again, I think I like this as much as the bra color thing..... ; )

   A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.