Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

   Does that miracle weight loss program that made you lose 4 pant sizes come with a new wardrobe 4 sizes smaller....No? Then I can't afford it....

   Ever notice how trying to give your heart to someone who doesn't want it is alot like trying to give medicine to an infant?

   God I hate spending money on anything but myself.

   just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!

   the chick on my GPS told me she wants to see other cars

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   Look at your man. Look at me. Look back at your man. Now look at me. What are we selling. I'm confused. Blame the mushrooms. I'm on a horse.

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   When someone "pokes" you, I wish you could respond with a "stab directly in the heart"

   MNF = When the DOLPHINS go 3-1 and Tom Brady wishes he rather be at the salon getting rid of that "bieber" hair....

   running behind at work because of all these TPS reports...

   staring at goats.

   not suffering from insanity. Hes embracing every second of it.

   stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway...

   The only thing worse than being up at 6am is still being up at 6am.

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   I'm off to hit the treadmill. If it doesn't break or hit me back, I may even walk or run on it.

   I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.