Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is??? They don't fancy each other

   Thinks......I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying

   Zombies make the best boyfriends; they love you for your brain, not your body...

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   It's nice when a grocery clerk asks if I found everything OK, but if they really cared they'd have all this sh!t in the same aisle for me.

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   Loves to see her go but hates to watch her leave

   I hate people with fake names on facebook... Sorry Jamee Snickers Daughtry and Ashley Snookie Capulto you are now defriended

   The movie "The Social Network" about facebook earned 9 million dollars in sales Friday night to top all movies. Imagine what they could have done if those veiwers had dates!

   If I look at your mouth while your talking to me then CLEARLY I want you to just stfu!

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.