Jake Funny Status Messages

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   A plumber's job can draining.

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.