Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is always one person at the card table who has to be told it is their turn.

   Hey guy with the flat billed hat turned sideways and pants half off, I'm pretty sure the world will never take you seriously, ever! But, way to keep trying

   I was riding shotgun in an old man's truck when his cell phone rang. He checked who it was and said, 'I have to take this' then pulled over, parked, then answered the phone. What?

   Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."

   I feel accomplished when I can identify the show or movie that people are watching in their little car televisions.

   I am fairly certain that the last thing to ever fail on my car is that god damn signal that warns me that I am not wearing my seatbelt.

   Today at work both the UPS & Fedex guy showed up at the same time, I don't know who was more uncomfortable me or them.

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   my pants are like a cheap hotel, no ballroom

   No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.

   Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.

   Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.

   It's fun to email news headlines to a buddy when a hurricane has the same name as his ex. "Hermine leaves trail of destruction", "Hermine won't stop blowing in Gulf Coast". Yeah, that's her alright.

   I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?

   If America had a slogan it'd be "Don't bother me, I'm eating."

   I'm dving behind someone who is obviously scared of his gas pedal.

   Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.

   I hate auto flush sh*tters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste.

   Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.