Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook Status - The new way to talk behind people's backs.

   likes it when he open a document on the comp and the monitor says WORD. And I'm like, YOOO!!

   whatever does not kill me, only make's me stranger.

   All girls with cats are bitter and crazy, and all straight men with cats are secretly gay.

   Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

   have to go pick up dino and take him to the casino in reno to pick up nino the bambino gambino and then take care of that phillipeno who spit in the Don's cappaccino

   You're not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

   Whenever I put on sweatpants I sing "eye of the tiger" so that everyone will know why.

   I went snorkeling so I could brag to my friends, but I'm having problems photoshopping the bathtub out of the pictures.

   Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?

   You'll never regret having a safety deposit box stuffed full of fake passports and sixty million dollars.

   You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those.

   When you look forward to coming home so you can have drink and NOT because of who is there... it's a big problem!

   I once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk still asked if I'd be paying with cash or credit.

   Him: For every cigarette you smoke I breathe in 50% of the smoke you do. Me: If that's the case, you owe me for a half a pack of cigarettes.

   Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.

   Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."

   I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.

   I'm sure glad life gave me other photo opportunities after my high school yearbook portrait.

   I can't decide what to swear today.