Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recently lost a penny. If you've seen it, please FedEx it overnight to me. It was copper in color and had a picture of a dude's profile on it.

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   if I throw water on you will you melt or multiply?

   "CARPE SCROTUM"..seize the day by the balls!!!

   Facebook is the only place where it's normal to talk to a wall!

   The fastest way to lose friends... Simple... Just loan them money! Sad but true!!

   The definition of a beautiful woman to me is the one who loves me,,,

   I would like to wish all the moms out there a Happy Labor Day Weekend!!! What?... That's not what that means?

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   Ever worry that the sensor on the back of an automatic toilet is actually a little video camera?

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.

   Allergies: Nature's way of saying, "I know you're not sick, but I want you to feel like you are anyway!"

   Labor Day marks the beginning of the NFL and college football seasons. Nascar holds the Southern 500. Labor Day marks the last days of Summer. In 2010, the Holiday was cancelled because too many people couldn't remember what it meant to have a job :)

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to post about my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up condoms for my date with whats her name..........

   proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years :D

   Life is like a roller coaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror and other times you just have to throw your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.

   wants a Web redemption