Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"