Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Music has charms to soothe the savage breast ...... it can lift you higher then the sky , make you sad or even cry but what it does is it can make life worth living.....

   One of the best parts about Saturday and Sunday mornings is reading the Status Updates people post after a night of drinking.

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   Theres too much blood in my caffeine system!!

   My wife was mad because I wouldn't ask for directions even though we were lost. So she makes me pull over and she says to a guy "Please tell my husband where we are.And say it slow so even he'll understand." Then the guy says " BURRR GERRR KIIIING!"

   That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.

   just stopped at Radio Shack to get something and the kid behind the counter asked me for my phone number and zip code. I told him 867-5309 and zip 90210. He never even questioned it.

   Fruit Cake is YUCK! But don't tell my grandma that!

   What is up with this Guiltless CheeseCake... How do we now what the CheeseCake is thinking?

   In honor of Michael Jackson's birthday, their family requests that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today.

   Interviewer asked Tiger Woods what happened in the tournament. "I'm having a hard time controlling my balls." You think?

   Old: Never take candy from strangers. New: Never click links from strangers.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   I don't think I could ever stab someone. I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   Martin Luther King - I too had a dream. A great white shark came up through my floor boards to eat me and had train track braces on its teeth. Beat that Martin!

   itunes wants more updates on a daily bases than a woman wants attention