Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have reasons to believe the term 'More bang for your buck' was first used by Hookers..

   I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. Now what kind of sick person would do that?

   . . . I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay, they know I'm here.

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   laughing at "suggested" friends that he will never be friends with

   dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.

   Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.

   I drop my ipod:( ………and then my headphones save it's life :)

   Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

   ....Nick Cannon still mum on Mariah pregnancy. They're obviously waiting to make sure she doesn't have a bigger miscarriage than “Glitter.”

   trust : is to deal with snakes and to know they wont bite you

   All I know is I wouldn't do so good in the wizarding world. Every time I encountered a goblin I'd instinctively punt it.

   tired of trying, sick of crying... Yeah, sure I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

   ... Knife-wielding intruder tries 2 break into Paris Hilton's home. So? 1 time, a forkwielding Kirstie Alley tried 2 break into my refrigerator!

   ...Brad Pitt may favor death penalty after BP oil spill. Says execs should hafta watch “Meet Joe Black” over & over til they kill themselves!

   ‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

   heard the new Cubs regime was going to return the Team to thier Glory days...How can anyone possibly know what that was like???