lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   I was thinking about becoming an atheist, but I thought screw it, you don't get any holidays.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Found the Muffin Man on Facebook. If he accepts my Friend Request then I can tell my mates "Yes I DO know the Muffin man!". They'll be impressed.

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   Why don't the blind go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   What are three words a man doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!