Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feds are indicting Clemens for perjury, said they knew he was on steriods when they saw his nose grow

   You know it's been a good day when you take a shower just to change your PJs.

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

   It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.

   The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.

   Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

   Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   When a GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."

   Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.

   i used to get money.....actually I was just taking it

   ‎...just heard that angered by today's Federal indictment for lying to Congress about his use of steroids and human growth hormones, Roger Clemens threw a car at reporters...

   No, really, I'm laughing with you. Well, I will once I can find the time to stop laughing at you.

   When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.

   Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.