Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says Live every act fully, as if it were your last.

   sin's so skilfully that it puts god in a dilemma whether to punish or not...

   O Friday, O Friday! wherefore art thou Friday? Deny thy other weekday

   Old Macdonald had tourettes,...e....i.....e.....i.... c%*t

   Brett Favre came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow. That means only 5 more weeks until football starts.

   "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we" George Dubya Bush

   PERVERT: something we all are, but are too afraid to admit!

   Imagination is intelligence having fun.

   can you make a caption that I can actually read ?

   Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"

   Cats have nine lives...which makes them perfect for experimenting on...

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....