Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   So these ads for medicine are really confusing me.... They now have this creme that helps your eye lashes grow... but the side effects are blindness and black eye lids...so your saying I'll be blind with two black eyes but I'll have long eyelashes??...I'

   your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your gods promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry

   Glee...what a cheesy and annoying show that is...ugh!

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."

   Ice cream conversations.. They all want the scoop!

   I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

   can officially call myself a man today, made cupcakes on my own without the help of mother!

   Have time to kill but not necessarily going to kill in that time.

   You know I like my status updates like I like my mini skirts. Long enough to cover the important parts but short enough to keep things interesting."

   "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."

   My grocery cart right now says, "I'm getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!" And also. "I like fruit."

   Sober is the new BUZZ!!

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   I don't think my face and my body accurately convey how good looking I really am.

   No, I don't want to "Like" your business on Facebook. I barely "Like" you.

   That truck driver just double bogeyed that par 2 parking spot.

   “Hey. What do I do again?” -- Me greeting my boss every Monday morning.

   I don't understand some elevator people... Do you really think pushing the elevator button more than once makes it move faster?

   I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do on online.