Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay... If we get caught, pretend we don't speak English!

   "Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you." "So is a grenade!"

   I feel like my co-workers are family. I don't like spending time with my family either.

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities.

   Guys, I know when people die they say to move on. I don't want that. Bury me in a time capsule and dig me up every 10 years. NEVER FORGET!

   The person who said "nothing's impossible!" has never seen me doing nothing.

   Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.

   My bed is so possessive. Every morning it holds me captive.

   Before a Staring Contest I always blink a lot to get ready.

   You were not "just wondering" now tell me why you asked.

   Don't wear memorable shoes when you're going to take a dump in the grocery store bathroom.

   I sing along to songs I don't know the lyrics to.

   Blackouts are God's way of saying, "WTF, even I don't want to remember last night!"

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   If Pluto is a dwarf planet and not a real planet, are dwarf people not real people?

   Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a smack upside the head. People who need a smack upside the head affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who needs a smac

   If YOU didn't SEE it w/your own eyes, or HEAR it w/your own ears, then WHY would you INVENT IT w/your SMALL MIND or SHARE it with YOUR BIG MOUTH !

   My mom used to say I'm wasting my life playing video games. Then I thought "no sweat, I've got 2 more lives."

   never going to leave her husband........unless I move house...he's burried under the decking!