Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   Are there Middle of Nowhere souvenirs? Because I've been there quite a few times but have nothing to show for it.

   Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.

   What a sweet lemonade stand. Your daughter is going be a wonderful bartender when she grows up.

   I think, therefore I thought.

   The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

   planning a night he'll NEVER remember!

   in bed with your hot wife... while your at work kissin your boss's ass....

   teach you how to dougie ? how about I teach you how to pull up your pants

   preparing for school to start and the daily doses of Justin Bieber fever. Years ago it was Britney Spears and, yes, I wanted to hit her one more time. But with Justin...I just want to wrap a Silly Bandz around his hair to get it out of his eyes!

   That's what you get from putting a fat girl's ass in your face. That's how you get pink eye

   When something good happens You drink to celebrate. When something bad happens You drink to forget. When nothing happens You drink because you want something to happen.

   Montana Fishburne was a prostitue. Wow, a hooker AND a porn star! Or as Charlie Sheen would call her, “Perfect!”

   and then Buffy staked Edward. The end.

   Lady Gaga admitted that she does cocaine. Not really surprising news. What is surprising? She snorts it off her penis.

   Attention all teens get off facebook nd look 4 a job nd stop waitin for facebook to get you one

   My son has painted the most beautiful mural. On the side of our house. His new family will be so proud.

   amazed about how slow old people drive.That is until they see a parking spot at the mall of course.

   bathtub cleaned, condoms hid, fruit bought/displayed...bring on the parents!

   Just hanging out in Washington DC. Anybody need any government while I'm out here?