Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   We need less work days & more snack days....

   Wonder if being a parcel delivery person has its UPS and downs.

   Am I the only one who finds that Knock-Knock jokes are funnier when they're told to homeless people?

   In case you were wondering, this is how you say "bite my shiny metal ass" in Italian: "baciate il mio scintillante fondoschiena metallico..."

   If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.

   have you ever notice that Chris Brown, Usher, Nelly and 55 Cent look exactly like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles???

   FYI: Do not buy Activia yogurt if you do not need it for the reasons advertised. Not even if it's on sale and you have a $1 coupon and it's double coupon daze at the store...unless you like stabbing abdominal pains and blaming lots of stuff on the dog.

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

   IRISH and PROUD!

   in the frozen food section at Sam's looking for horny milfs with erect nipples

   Better to have people think you are an idiot then opening your mouth and proving them right

   California judge overturns Proposition 8 gay marriage ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server ban. Williams-Sonoma registry server crashes

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   not suffering from Schizophrenia, he/she's quite enjoying it. and so am I.

   Has a box of tissues,some lotion and a picture of you , I better get a bigger box of tissues .

   I wish you were here...in my room...on my bed...with the lights off..under the blanket...so I can show you my new watch that glows in the dark!

   nobody understands me quite like the voices in my head. But they are always telling me to do bad things like eat carbs and tip lousy!

   People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.

   History tells a story. That's why you must always clear it before your girlfriend uses the computer.