Funny Status Messages

   Does anyone else mutter "righty tighty and lefty loosey" when tightening or unscrewing anything?

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Bathroom wall: Can I get a witness? Written below: I don't know. Are you going to do anything worth watching?

   Each day is like a gift. A gift from someone who doesn't know your size and doesn't bother to include the receipt.

   Wearing pajamas and a robe. I feel like Hugh Hefner, minus everything.

   “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have” I told my staff while standing naked smoking a bong waiting for money from the government.

   Every time I clean up I feel as if I am depriving archaeologists of clues to my daily life.

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

   So if I get a job at Walmart, do I pull my own teeth out, or does it happen during orientation?

   A short list of things I seem unable to care about: vampires, shows about vampires, actors who play vampires, love lives of vampire actors.

   Why is the Ice-Cream truck playing the theme from "Deliverance," "Deueling Banjos?" No wait, it's "Music Box Dancer." Whew! The fact that I can name THAT tune is scary in its own right...

   I was carring my baby cousin and a dragon fly lands on my shoulder in the parking lot. The shoulder that is also the start button for me to go into scream, panic, and drop everything mode

   Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a small lake. One yells to the other: "Hey, how do you get to the other side? The other one yells back: "You're already there!"

   A penny saved is a penny you didn't put in the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar, you cheap ba$tard!

   I had a thought, then it smiled and waved goodbye.

   has been on detox for 4 days and now knows how missisippi got it's name.

   Time to put on my best sexual harrassment suit. It's much like my birthday suit, just... Okay, it's exactly like my birthday suit.

   always carrying brass knuckles, cause you never know.

   A penny saved is a penny earned. But its easier just to take from the "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar at the store. Afterall, that's why its there.