Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love Walmart where everyone can Enter through the EXIT door and exit through an ENTER door!! What are we all on DRUGS??

   My friend was telling me about his job and he said there were a lot of Hoes there. I got excited so I went to work with him one day. Turns out he's a landscaper. I hate Homonyms.

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   just watched the A-team. It was really good. I like the part when stuff blew up.

   that behind every player there is always someone who put them in the game..(~o,^)..

   thinks the study that came out yesterday saying the more educated you are and the more money you make the more likely you are to drink is wrong.. I think the more you drink, the more likely you are to think you are rich and smart!

   A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered - waiting for autumn.

   Brett Favre to retire today...IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!

   Brett Favre retired today, I'm not Worried about it too much. It's kinda like when Snoop Dog quit's weed. It really means nothing."

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"

   I'm thinking about making my own brand of beer and call it, "Responsibly." That way I would get free advertising from all my competitors. "Please drink Responsibly."

   Brett Favre retired today from the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League... In other news, the Sun rose in the east this morning...

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   What an awesome Springer quote: "You're the crazy one! You chase me with a hammer and yell all the time, the whole trailer park knows."

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.