Funny Status Messages

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 150 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!

   Envy, laziness Envy, laziness, and incompetency gave birth to communism.and incompetency gave birth to communism.

   If you're unhappy with summer heat, remember this... you never have to shovel sunshine off your sidewalk.

   Hey, Dawn. Show us how well you clean dishes. We ain't got no oily duck.

   I'll never understand people saying "Rest In Peace" when someone dies. Of course they're resting in peace. They're dead.

   Panties aren't the best thing in the world. But they're next to it.

   I had White Castle for dinner tonight. It was so good my butt gave them a big blowout review.

   "Diddy be giddy cause he be founded not gitty!" - The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   If casual sex exists that implies the existence of ranked competitive sex