Funny Status Messages

   whats the second quickest thing in the world? Your butthole closing after letting go of a turd.

   Whats the first? That little drop of water that makes it back up in there before you can squeeze it shut.

   spotted a few cornballs on his friends list...

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F...

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.

   wonders how people who work in BubbleWrap factories get ANY work done at all.

   I drink to make other people interesting...

   glad McDonald's doesn't have hotdogs, she doesn't think she could order a McWeiner with a straight face.

   Don't teach your children the value of a dollar because if they find out , they'll ask for two.

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

   hey girls! if you're boyfriend sparkles and doesn't want to have sex with you, he's not a vampire. He's gay!

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.