Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   4 days sober! Not in a row just total in 2025

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   So, is Donald Trump going to slap a tariff on Mail-Order Brides from China? Asking for a friend.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   He’s been marinating in honey for years. Don’t tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn’t be tasty.

   I had the right to remain silent, I just didn't have the ability.

   Guilty pleasure ...I absolutely am addicted to the show Pop the balloon or fund I mean find love .

   It's okay I can say ,f@gg0t I fck them

   The FAA & NASA have approved a manned launch of Elon Musk's Starship within the next week provided it's manned by Donald Trump.

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   I wonder how many years it's been since she's let him see her naked

   Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

   I moved the clock up an hour before I went to bed last night and when I got up this morning it was still 1943

   The vast, vast majority of people on the planet recognize what a piece of human garbage he is. When are you going to wake up?

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go". Well, we showed them.

   Trans people need help.