Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   Elon Musk looks like a goose that had its beak removed.

   If I can make at least one person smile, pee their pants a little or maybe spit out a drink, then my day was not wasted!

   I think my neighbor is stalking me. She's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

   Joy Reid seemed to be much nicer when she climbed the Empire State Building and those airplanes were going after her.

   Look guys! I know I've been bad. I've said and posted things many of you have found to be unfavorable. However, with your help and a little bit of encouragement, I can become so much worse.

   A person who wastes your time is called a clock sucker.

   I always Hi-Five myself. Whenever I see a commercial that doesn't have a jiga-boo in it.

   I've been having some financial problems. I'm so broke I owe myself money.

   They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

   There is not another human being on the planet, whose death will cause more celebration, than Donald Trump. When he drops dead, the planet will cheer in unison. Because he is human garbage.

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a pirate of the Caribbean??

   If rapey Dons name weren't all over the Epstein files? They would have been released un-redacted, printed and bound in $200 special editions signed by him, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and Hulk Hogan with Soundtrack by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent,

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   Fun fact... The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.

   Fun fact..The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.