Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kendrick Lamar best new country artist

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.

   The NFL is rigged, and the halftime show is jigged.

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   You gonna eat your butter? No one ever said.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   The same crowd claiming Kendrick Lamar had an important message, is the same crowd who ignored Martin Luther King Jr's message.

   As far as the music featured in the halftime show went, how about that guitarist? Oh, yeah, there wasn't one. Hey, how about that drummer and bass player? Damn. Neither of those. Hold on. That keyboard player. Wow! Wha? No keyboar

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   Gary Koenig. King of stealing other's jokes.

   Today I was told the world doesn't revolve around me. I think it could if some people would try harder.

   If Silly Putty had only applied itself better in school, it would have been Sensible Putty.