Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my coworker is getting beat up, better believe I'm jumping in to help. Because I ain't covering anybody's shift.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.

   Everyone picks their nose at some point, it's what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.

   You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: Facebook.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   Itss so cold outside my finngers are so numb rightt now I could barely tftppye

   Wife: Honey, does this make me look fat? Me: If you ran at the gym just like you run your mouth at home, you wouldn't have to ask that question.

   California is on fire. Good.

   Pickleball is ghey

   Zuckerberg says Fact Checkers are the problem. Fact Checkers say that's False.

   The Fires are God punishing California for voting for Kamala.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   Robert Kraft fired Patriots coach Jerod Mayo. This was clearly condiment related.

   It's been said that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn't one. But if you're explaining a joke to an idiot, then it's still a joke that the idiot didn't get.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   You know what really burns my ass? The California wildfires.

   You gotta love these women on Facebook that never ♥️ your posts because they're married. Meanwhile, their husbands are flirting with anything that has 2 holes and a heartbeat.

   I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.

   When you have absolutely nothing to smile about, do it anyway. It pisses people off!!

   Dear people who are praying for the California wildfires... it's not working.