Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend will be there with tissues. But a best friend will be there with a baseball bat saying, "Who hurt you and do I need a shovel"?

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still fun to bonk someone over the head with.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Don't expect any New Years resolution from me. I intend on staying the same awkward, outspoken delight you have all come to know and love.

   Donald Trump’s obsession with Canada is like his tanning lotion: unnecessary, over-applied, and a little sad.

   A Charlie Brown Christmas, but the tree is Eric Trump’s brainchild: flimsy, artificial, and overinflated by Dad’s credit card.

   Dear Eric, Canada isn’t for sale. But feel free to borrow some Canadian snow to cool down your dad’s hot air.

   Trump says he’s all about fresh starts for the New Year—except for his hairline, that stays the same.

   In Canada, we start the New Year with resolutions. Trump starts with delusions.

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   there a sale on stupidity, cause that shi* is everywhere.

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   "Who's taking you home on New Years?" State troopers, probably

   How is January this week, next month, &’ next year