Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

   "I used to think that my life was a cringe compilation, but now, I realize it's a try not to laugh challenge."

   I hate to break it to ya, ladies... but those Christmas cookies you bake every holiday season? Not that good.

   If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

   Concept plan

   Women who aren't into sports are way more feminine and don't have smelly you-know-whats.

   Someone stole my identity... And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said, "So sorry man. Hope things work out".

   To all the people that couldn't stand me this year, just letting you know next year is going to be even worse.

   The 4Bs explained: Bread, Bacon, Beef, Bread. Make me a sammich.

   This Christmas instead of gifts I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited!

   Why are there no biological women trying to break into Men's bathrooms?

   Has anyone noticed that the folks who claim,, "Eating turkey on Thanksgiving is cruel and unethical", just happen to also be the "Pro-Choice" crowd?

   When the moon hits your eye Like it’s 5:45, That’s November

   Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Don't forget to set your scales back 10 pounds.

   In an effort to repay her $20 million campaign debt, Kamala Harris has scheduled a fight with Jake Paul.

   I'm not a geologist so don't take me for granite.

   Being human requires no apologies. Being a jerk does.

   They use their skin color as an excuse. It's their lack of culture and animalistic behavior that actually defines them.

   The 👎 blowboy needs a life.

   13% of the population represented by the media as 50%