Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   If I weigh 99 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, am I 1percent nacho?

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   I am now challenging 3 million Facebook users too send me a 1.00 cashapp $MgTimTim

   Home Depot is almost out of orange safety vests.

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

   Groceries are so high that Thanksgiving is looking like taco Thursday this year.

   Okay, Halloween's over. Lose the costumes, dump the candy, and if you're over 9 years old, grow the eff up.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   Eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids cereal. I added milk & drowned the kids.... I'm a CEREAL killer