Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

   If you think you are smarter than the previous generation...50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   I went scuba diving once and the instructor pointed out a shark and I swam toward it. When we got back up top on the boat he asked, "I pointed out a shark and you swam toward it? What the fuck?" Without missing a beat my wife said, "He's been swimming to

   They warn you not to drink the battery contents because the previous generation did

   To be a parent you have to be very patient who here considers themselves to be very impatient. Me too

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   He even fixed the ice cream machine 🍦

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   If there's a 'z' in the middle of a last name, they're Italian. If there's a 'z' at the end of a last name, they're bean poppers.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.