Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   When I was younger, Freddie Krueger was so freakin' scary. But he doesn't even come close to Dunning-Kruger.

   "She doesn't pick the popular Pennsylvania governor. She doesn't pick the astronaut. Instead, she picks the Geo. Phloyd riot guy"

   If one door closes and another one opens, your house is haunted and you need to run.

   Bats are just Halloween butterflies. That's all.

   It's finally October! Which means all of the cobwebs and dust in my house just became Halloween decorations.

   Q. How does a non-binary kill someone? A. They slash Them

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering... please hold while I load my next thought!

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

   I'm stepping down from my position as an adult. It turns out this isn't for me but I appreciate the opportunity.

   Deowent 12345

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though .

   My boss asked me to write down two things I liked about my job. Apparently lunch time and quitting time are not the right answers.

   I renamed my toilet Jim instead of John.. people are really impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim several times a day

   I told the bank manager that I wanted to open a joint account. He asked who with? I said, "The customer with the most money".

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.

   Hey guys, if you don't tell your woman she's beautiful, a Pakistani on Facebook will.

   Everybody's a little bit crazy... It's just that some of us aren't afraid to take it out for a walk in public.

   Lochore meadows