Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found out today that my ex needs a liver transplant,I'm not worried though ,she hasn't rejected an organ in 40 years

   Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart !

   I swear all I do is work, come home, blink, and then I'm back at work again.

   If your neighbor happens to have a Trump/Vance sign in their yard, be a good neighbor and make sure you check on them! Sometimes its too late to notice mental health illnesses until it's too late!

   I don’t have a status today, I have a concept of a status though

   Kamala Harris quote: "Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus? Many of us went to school on a yellow school bus, right? I remember them now, all yellow and everything."

   I went to the doctor thinking I might have arthritis, I don't. Turns out I have early onset rigor mortis.

   I hate it when I'm singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be in my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   I bet aliens ride past earth and lock their doors.

   The U.S air force has Cobra helicopters, Canada's air force has Cobra Chickens

   got thrown out of a casino last night. apparently I must have completely misunderstood the crap table!

   Today's tip of the Day: If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.

   I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main course mam? Me: ok, but no tongue

   If I blocked you on social media and you see me in the streets, the block still applies in real life.

   Back in my day, we didn’t scroll—we farmed! I remember when this was all FarmVille.

   I’ve been on Facebook forever! I remember when we had to plow our fields in FarmVille by hand—virtually, of course!

   A true friend is someone who knows how crazy you are and is still willing to be seen in public with you.

   My friend runs a camping shop,and between December and February he has a sale,so I made him a banner for the front of his shop, it reads "now is the winter of our discount tents"