Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   STD:Stop the Donald. Don’t let the disease spread.

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua

   Nurse: There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him? Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.

   Winter's coming. Bright side...Taylor Swift albums make excellent kindly.

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   Meme caption

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

   I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I remember when this was all farmland.

   Amazing Fact: Donald Trump has been shot at more times than Tim Walz.

   Post the four words every girl wants whispered in her ear.

   The economy is so bad right now, I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

   If the glove doesn't fit, you must use lubricant. -Diddy...,,, probably

   I didn't even know what to buy people for Christmas until I heard about these exploding pagers and walki-talkies.

   Diddy didnt kill himself..... Oh wait...thats next weeks headline....

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Ew a lair

   Where there is smoke..,,, there are Hezbollah operatives. BOOM! #Skyline of Beirut

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   It's amazing how Facebook can spot a fake post but can't spot a fake profile.