Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Is it just me, or did former First Lady Barbara Bush remind you of George Washington? Just askin'...

   Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, most of us would have never been born.

   really wonders why if Jimmy cracked corn and nobody cared....why did they write a song about him?

   Facebook.........its not a website, its a lifestyle

   Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

   my girlfriend just started smoking. Should I slow down and use a lubricant?

   When I grow up I want to be a pillow ...they get to lie in bed and get head all night

   not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.

   adopted a white dog the other day and named him Stains. Now I can yell "Come Stains, Come Stains" out my front door!

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   has discovered that people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

   I can help you with your despair. You tie the rope and I'll kick the fu*king chair!

   Meet me in the corn feild Honey, and I'll kiss you between the ears.

   A lion would never cheat on his wife, but a tiger wood.

   They say you can lure more flies with honey than vinegar.... I guess, "a dead turtle" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

   Turning the music up does NOT cover up a fart... No matter what song is on!

   I know I'm not the sharpest knife in the crayon box.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns