Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   I was watching a TV show on the top ten ways to avoid a shark attack. I was shocked to hear that "stay out of the water" wasn't number one.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes by April 15 because 30+ million illegal aliens are depending on you

   Guys, if the relationship fails, don't blame her only. It takes 2 people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.

   I'm a firm believer that every traffic jam begins with one idiot.

   BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I'd put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink or dessert. Then I'd sit back and watch the madness unfold at every table.

   Kids, beer is low in vitamins so it's important to drink lots of them.

   If you honk at me .025 seconds after the light turns green I'm going to put my vehicle in park, adjust my seat, check my tire pressure, change my oil, return some emails, eat a snack, read a book, brush my teeth, nap, and build a LEGO set.

   hooray! you are the 99th person to view this message. Press command + w (or ctrl+w) to earn your prize :)

   My favourite part of Football is when they feed the players water like they’re Hamsters

   Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   Presidents’ Day is canceled until we find one

   My wife is not talking to me today because she asked me what the female equivalent of the "mancave" is and I told her it's called the kitchen.

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.