Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I've made a lot mistakes in my life, but just know you were never one of them" -ME (looking at my triple bacon cheeseburger...extra bacon).

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   The TV show 'Hoarders' is ok and all but I liked it so much better when it was called 'Sanford and Son'.

   The Left wants everything in the world to be electric or run on batteries? Start with the border wall!

   Chewbacca's redneck cousin is Chewstobacco

   The problem with autocorrect is that it often makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

   Taylor Swift is worth $1.1 billion, yet you imbeciles let her live inside your skulls rent free.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   I burned 1000 calories avoiding someone I know at Walmar

   When I go to someone's house and they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is tell them to get out. I don't like visitors.

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   Due to popular demand, the Kansas City Chiefs are changing their name to the Kansas City Swifties.

   This is our Mahoment!!

   I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work.

   I once dated a woman who wore crotchless underwear. After our 3rd date, she said, "Hey, big boy. You want some of this?" I said, "Heck no. Look what it did to your underwear!"

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow my goal is to turn it on.

   If what you have to say to me is going to take longer than the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" just don't! I won't be listening anyway

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me...this is not the world I want to raise my 32 dependents in! 😉