Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got people who love me because I'm me. I've got people who hate me for the same reason!

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   I rolled over too fast in bed and sprained my fat roll !

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   Waking up is never easy but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I get out of bed.

   It's not the stab in the back that hurts you. It's when you turn turn around and see who's holding the knife.

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   The biggest mistake people make in a relationship is giving their heart to someone who needs a brain.

   a monkey

   my name jeff

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   Transgender

   Working 5 days a week just to be free for 48hrs just doesn't sit right with me.

   I smell pizza. I think I'm having a Little Seizure

   Transginger. I don't have red hair, But I'll think could rock it.

   Hoes be looking for guys with the same initials as there x. So they don't have to edit they tattoos . Lol

   Marriage tip: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket and that you're a really good catch!

   Every drop of water on earth has been through multiple kidneys at this point.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they’re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!