Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   I don't understand why people get in the left lane just to drive the speed limit. That lane is for crime.

   If you have to pay a celebrity millions to hawk your product, your product must suck.

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   So, like... where's God hiding while this Middle East conflict rages on?

   The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless and to humor the disturbed.

   The reason why the NFL doesn't have very many women referees is because they would be too busy bringing up penalties from 10 years ago.

   Then there was the blind prostitute. You really gotta hand it to her....

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   Marriage tip: We live in a day of women's equality! So because of this, never ever get your wife's door in the car for her, or open a door for her. Let her do it herself, because hey, equal rights, right?

   Q. Can you name a fisherman's tool and a popular search engine? A. Netanyahu.

   Dating right now, is like trusting a public defender.

   I have a message for the thief who stole 100 cans of Red Bull from my car: How do you sleep at night?

   I feel like someone should've warned Travis Kelce about the crazy...

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in

   why did the chicken cross the road? because it went to the chicken

   If you don't like your coworkers, go to work dressed up like a bear. Tell people "don't poke the bear"

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   Halloween

   That awkward moment when you're absolute SURE you're gonna die after leaning your chair back too far