Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly, I think pregnancy test commercials would be a whole lot more authentic if they showed two single people high-fiving when it’s negative

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!

   Once a woman is MENTALLY over you.. IT'S OVER FOR YOU💔😭

   I sent a ninja to your house to steal your cookies!

   Flat Earthers: "The only thing we have to fear is sphere itself."

   Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to now read "Excellent source of hangover cure."

   In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

   I went for a job interview yesterday and the boss asked me: Why did you leave your last job?? I said: The company relocated and didn't tell me where.

   Shouldn’t you have to pass a drug test to get a welfare check since I have too pass one to earn it for you?

   A LION NEVER LOOSES SLEEP OVER THE OPINIONS OF THE SHEEP.

   I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

   While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Sleepy Joe accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”

   I think our dog is a Scientologist.

   I respect your right to freedom of speech but I don't have to agree with what you say. And...guess what! That's okay!

   Cars

   Steel chair vs everybody

   When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams still have all of their timeouts.

   Sucking balls yesterday

   Someone called me a f*t f**k. I wanna know if that's an adjective or a verb.

   Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember