Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how much they insist, never ever play Leapfrog with a Unicorn.

   Whatever cunt

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say, “You hit like a sissy.”

   Since we only have pop tarts and no mom tarts, Kellogg's is introducing, "Gender Neutral Tarts."

   і wіsh you could doordash some of you people knuckle sandwіches

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   Local cover bands who think they're "it"... Drive 100 miles somewhere away from town and walk into any store or restaurant. I guarantee no one will recognize you.

   Attention model wannabes on Instagram: Doesn't it bother you a little that 99% of the men who drool over your photos have names written in Aramaic and Sanskrit?

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   I'm looking to date

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   My neighbors were up shouting all night. It got so bad I could barely hear my Bagpipes.

   Stinky

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

   Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the Dumocratic Convention?

   I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...