Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

   Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink

   Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

   - LMAOSHBCSOOMN: Laughing my ass off so hard beer came shooting out of my nose

   Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

   reminds you that when someone says "Facebook is a waste of time", what they are really saying is, "I'm too lazy to try something new".

   Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

   has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Now that the well is capped, legal experts say criminal charges are likely to be filed over the Gulf oil spill. This means a BP executive could wind up in jail. Prison can be rough so I've got three words of advice: British. Petroleum. Jelly.

   Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films."Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

   Wondering if in the future, robots will have a dance called the human.

   teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool.

   those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight.

   Easy Bake Oven - Teaching women their place for over 50 years

   pole dancin on a numba 2 pencil... IT'S FRIDAY!!!

   I could never stay mad at you" actually means "cross me & I will drop you like an AT&T call."

   if at first you don't succeed, call it version 1

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   A bread factory burned down over the weekend. No one was injured however the place is toast.