Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new SUV has a button " rear wiper"..I'm afraid to push it.....

   I'm so single, I'm chasing myself around the house playing hard to get!!!

   coworker suggested I drink fewer than six energy drinks so I tossed him through the break room like a discus

   Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

   PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

   Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

   The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

   Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

   there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing by not sounding fat?

   An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested in New Jersey over the weekend. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

   Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even? thanks

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

   If you think cow farts are making hurricanes stronger, you might be watching to much CNN.

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering.

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   Every time there's a massive Powerball jackpot I'm a winner, by not playing and saving $2.

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.