Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If global warming was causing guns to melt, we'd all be driving electric cars within two weeks.

   The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

   50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

   Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

   Wife: honey the vacuum isn't Sucking. Husband: Frustrating isn't it.

   If performance-enhancing drugs aren't allowed in sports then why is makeup allowed in beauty contests?

   Quick question: can I breastfeed if I've had implants?

   I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the less popular manwoman.

   My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.

   Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

   I saw a pigeon open its mouth without making a sound and realized I’d just witnessed a failed coo attempt.

   I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on alcohol.

   The best way to honor a poor soul who got shot by cops is to smash store windows to get your new Flat Screens and new iPhone 12's

   Not trusting the government does not make you a conspiracy theorist. It makes you a history buff.

   If I subscribe to Amazon Prime, does that mean that I'm "in my prime" ?

   Either the leaves are changing colors or there was something in those brownies...

   Not trying to brag or make anyone jealous, but I can still fit in the same sized gloves I wore in high school...

   Growing up is realizing that talking doesn't scare the fish and that Grandpa just wanted you to shut the hell up.

   Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say