Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm endorsing Kermit the Frog for the Green Party candidate. It's about time we had a puppet regime.

   I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.

   My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being Faithful... My wife on the other hand, has a sister I wouldn't mind, if ya know what I mean

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   If cats could text you back they wouldn't.

   “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

   Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

   Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

   A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   If you’re going to do something that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

   I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

   the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

   If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

   If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact. How I know this is unimportant.

   Goats that intimidate others are bully goats