Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

   The only bad thing about my seven figure salary is that it includes a decimal point.

   It isn't that I'm not a people person, I'm just not a stupid people person.

   In the life, there is no Ctrl+Z

   I'll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.

   When will my neighbor's dog ever get the hint that my leg just wants to be friends?

   I hate using Drano. You're literally pouring $4.00 dollars down the drain.

   It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They ALWAYS get the blame.

   Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.

   Would the last Baby Boomer to enter heaven please bring a copy of Abbey Road?

   A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

   An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.