Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   I have nothing to say, but I will say it often and loud until I'm heard

   New goal: To go an entire day with seeing or hearing anything about Elon Musk.

   AAA says keeping your tires properly inflated can save drivers 8 cents a gallon. I say a properly cast vote can save you $3.00 a gallon.

   Bologna is just hotdog pancakes.

   Hey Baby, are you hiding Opiates in your bra? 'Cause I see a Perky Set.

   Why do lesbos pleasure themselves with plastic dil-dos instead of plastic vag-ginas?

   I wish there was a way to turn bad books back into trees.

   Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

   To save time, let's just assume I'm never wrong.

   I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss. 😁

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one Jimmy Kimmel clip doesn't mean I want to watch every show ever made.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now, it's clogged.

   They should sell liver sandwiches at baseball games to complete the misery of the entire experience.

   Don't let your Facebook balls get your real life teeth knocked out.

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush, they can smell fear.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.