Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many people think that Tuesday Weld is named after the second day of the week. But if that was true her name would be Monday Weld.

   Doing my spring cleaning, which is very similar to my winter cleaning which kind of resembles my autumn cleaning that's very much like my summer cleaning, but in the spring time.

   When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I'm no longer young.

   When you put an even number of socks in the washer but take an odd number out, that's because one of them ran away. And when you see a wet sock in a storm drain, that's one who tried but didn't make it.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.

   It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

   With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   Fauci recommends stopping spread of Monkeypox by covering eyes, ears and mouth.

   Unless you’re a monkey, you need not worry about Monkeypox.

   Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home, they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Nothing beats a good mistake.

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my 20's

   If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..

   Don't honk at me asshole, I'm not on my phone. I missed the light change because I was trying to get that last french fry at the bottom of the box. 🍟 😒

   Look son, rioters, arsonists and looters are here to teach us about peace and equality.

   Movie Theater: No outside food or drinks. Me: Burger King Whopper and fries jammed in my coat pocket.

   Certified freak seven days a week…. Wet a** opossum just walking down the street.